Engaging with Life and Death: Preparing a Beloved for Burial

An experience of after death care by Kenyon Gatlin

Thursday, August 6, the After Death Care (ADC) team receives the message that Phebe has taken her last breath at 6:49 p.m. She had wanted the full range of what our team offers, so we had been watching our channel, waiting for such a message.

The After Death Care Team that tended to Phebe

Within an hour, I arrive with some of my teammates to respond to the needs of the family, set up the parlor for a vigil, and prepare for a ritual bathing and anointing. Although there is a plan, we are never sure how it will unfold, who exactly will be involved, or when.

The atmosphere feels charged with the sacred woven through the ordinary as we

discuss the plan: who is doing what, where the family members are, and so forth. A few of us then begin setting up the parlor for the vigil. We soon hear music and singing from the suites as Phebe’s daughter, Becky, and other loved ones sing and play music by Phebe’s bedside. It is magical to prepare the parlor while listening to the songs of the heart.

We put the finishing touches on the parlor, and Phebe’s family is now ready to begin the

bathing and anointing ritual. Just before Summer and Joe head to the suites to guide the ritual, Joe looks up and notices a large water stain on the ceiling above the vigil table! Upon further investigation, we discover that it is damp. Better to discover that now than later, when Phebe is placed in the parlor and lying beneath a leak! Divine intervention indeed.

While the bathing ritual is taking place downstairs, we transfer everything to the library and

reset the vigil space. Due to the heavy rain that night, it is decided to move Phebe in the

morning, but the space is now ready for her.

Friday morning at 7:30 a.m., I arrive at the library to prepare Phebe for shrouding and transport to the cemetery. When I arrive, I see Phebe for the first time. She is adorned with a lovely shawl and a garland of paper hearts and flowers. She looks beautiful and loved. I feel the palpable stillness, the expansiveness in my heart, and I am moved to tears. I’m grateful it is just me and one teammate for the moment, and I can simply soak this in as I place my hand over Phebe’s, resting on her heart.

Phebe beautifully giftwrapped with her shroud, ready to be received by the earth

After a few moments of reverent quiet, we begin softly discussing the process of shrouding and the logistics of the various aspects we need to include, according to Phebe’s family. Once Becky arrives, our guide, Jennifer, explains the process to her.

As we work and collaborate, Becky tells us how much her mom loved to gift-wrap. She took great joy in wrapping presents for family and friends, making them beautiful with lovely bows.

The shrouding felt like we were gift-wrapping Phebe. As we put the ties on the shroud and Becky creates bows, and the garland of paper hearts is placed over Phebe’s shrouded neck and chest, she looks like a beautiful gift lovingly wrapped to be received by the earth.

It is now time to put the carrying board under her, which Becky made to transport her mom to the grave. Along the sides of the board are different-colored fabric loops. Becky tells us they represent the fabrics her mom used in quilting. Her mom loved to sew and quilt and make things for family and friends. These decorative loops will enable the family to lift and lower Phebe into her grave.

Phebe is now ready to be walked out the sanctuary doors into a borrowed casket made by

Brent. Six of us begin Phebe’s short journey in the body carrier to the waiting casket just

outside our walkway. We carefully place her in the casket, watch as she is loaded into the back of her grandson’s truck, and wave goodby while Phebe and her family drive away toward the cemetery. Once she is by her grave, she will be lifted out of the casket by family, and her shrouded body will be lowered into her hand-dug grave.

This is the work of the heart, supported by the mind. I am touched beyond words as Phebe is

transported away. I feel deeply in my body and expanded at the same time. Talking feels too

soon for me, and I’m not ready to engage with the next thing. I need my people in this shared experience around me, in silence. I make my request known, and we all gather in the library to feel the work we just engaged in settle more deeply, and to feel each other’s presence and support.

We allow ourselves to absorb the mystery of life and love in silence, together.

Now we are ready to engage with the next thing.